Why don't they just listen?.

 "Why don't they get it?" 
Communication breakdown?
 "If they would just hear me out.."  
"They are so wrong. If they just knew the facts, they would get it."

 "What we have here", as Paul Newman was told in the movie, Cool Hand Luke,  "is a failure to communicate".  We all know how well that 'conversation' turned out.  Actually, these are sounds of disconnection, of a failure to connect.  What we often have is a failure to connect on a level deep enough that "it matters", so that understanding and trust can happen.

Now, we probably can't, of course, connect with everyone.  But if we want people to trust us, to share the truth with us, to join us, to be open to hearing us or seeing as important what we see as important...we need to first, connect.

How does it start?  Let's start with 1:1.
Commit to being 100% present.  Be focused on the other person - their words and what's behind the words that you see in body language, hear in voice tone, feel in rhythm or flow of their speech.  It means no "talk-waiting" - no just keeping quiet until you can say your piece, no listening for 'points' to prepare a defense for, no making your grocery list in your head until they stop and it's 'your turn'.

Clear your mind. Clear your space. Put down papers, files, pens.  Take a deep breath in, letting your stomach expand and then exhale, contracting your stomach back in.  Make eye contact.  Have an open body - soft 'Mona Lisa' face, arms and legs uncrossed. Sit next to the other person, turned toward the other without being all up in their personal space. Take your time. Be patient. Model the behavior. Model the value of 'paying attention'. Begin with an open question, a non-yes-no-answer question, maybe a "Tell me about.." intro that seeks the other person's feelings, beliefs, values, definitions first.

Remember, 'feelings before facts'.  Many of us find, if we really looked, that our feelings are way out in front of our actions, all intertwined with our beliefs, so much so that sometimes we have forgotten they are different.

So, no logic, no science, no math is going to move us, change our behavior if our feelings are all still way out in front as a 'guard', even if, maybe especially if, we fear/risk losing something valuable. You need to find out what this is in order to move forward into trust.

 Tread lightly. Avoid "Why do you act/feel/believe..." or "How are you feeling" questions that put people in defensive postures.  Open up the trust with questions that ask for more of a story, like "Tell me a little about ...". Maybe, even at the beginning, it's helpful to ask a version of  "Tell me about what matters most to you about this conversation we're about to have."  We heal, we connect, we open up, we trust - through story-telling.  It's our nature, our culture.

Sound like the long way to get to it? It may take more time initially, true, but what you're doing is building trust, not just getting someone to pick up their room for today, be fully productive while on the clock just until you're out of sight or even, to vote a certain way, not just one time/for a certain person.

Try it - Tell me about how it went, what you thought worked and didn't, where you felt weird or stuck, where you felt calm and present.....

"above all...connect"

The poet, e.e. cummings had it right - connection is everything.
Connection builds our spirits and our businesses; helps comfort our losses and celebrate our victories.  Connection is the basis of trust - believing someone "gets us" opens us up, makes us feel safe enough to trust.

So, this blog is for connecting. For sharing.  For asking questions that might spark conversation.